Sing or Die
by Aobikari
Summary: Three days, three ninja, and a dash of stupidity beyond belief...


Readers, you are the real heroes! I love you guys…Much thankies

I don't own Naruto!

Kill the ones you love!

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It was a bright and sunny day in Konohagakure. Birds chirped happily, cleaning their soft and delicate feathers, puffing out in the warm caressing waves of the sun. A shy doe picked her way carefully to a watering hole where she lapped up the water and shook her beautiful head. A squirrel ran down a tree trunk to the clear water's edge and cupped a drop of water in its tiny paws, and began washing its face and tittering. The doe nibbled at a patch of sweet smelling thyme and shook her soft pelt in the morning air.

A kunai flew from out of no where and embedded itself in the doe's head splattering blood everywhere. Not making a peep she fell to the ground with a thump with large X's in her eyes.

Naruto gleefully ran out of the bushes.

"WHOO-HOO! I GOT A DEER!" He exclaimed ripping the kunai out of the doe's head, jumping up and down happily.

Sasuke came out of the bushes glaring angrily, "We were supposed to be examining nature, not killing it fool…"

The blond ninja stuck his tongue out at Sasuke and smirked, "Ha! Your just jealous cause you didn't get it first!"

Sakura tumbled out of the bushes and landed into the water hole with a screech. Naruto gasped and jumped into the water shouting, "I'll save you Sakura-chan!"

Sasuke stared at Naruto, "Naruto…"

Naruto flailed around, "Not now Sasuke! I'm trying to save Sakura!" He kicked his legs and waved his arms through the water trying to get to her. But he didn't seem to be getting any closer.

Sasuke put his hands in his pockets and shrugged, " Whatever."

Naruto stopped his failing and turned around and shouted furiously, "What do you mean "whatever"?! Sakura's drowning! Have you no morality? Any sense of righteousness? Any human—"

"Naruto…"

He looked behind him and saw Sakura scowling at him. "Hm? You're not drowning?" He asked blinking.

"The water isn't that deep." She said blowing a wet pink strand of hair out of her face.

Naruto blushed, "Oh…"

II.

Kakashi lazily gazed at them from his lone-eye "You three couldn't even accomplish a decent information gathering mission?"

Sakura cried indignantly, "Its Naruto's fault!" She pointed an accusing finger at Naruto, "If he didn't throw a kunai at that doe everything would have gone perfectly!"

"But I…but it…" Naruto stammered looking from Sakura to Kakashi.

The copy-nin sighed and shifted his headband a little, "Alright then, I'll just assign you a new mission."

Naruto jumped up and down, " Yeah! I'll make sure I'll do this one correctly! Come on Kakashi what is it! What is it? TELL ME!"

Kakashi stared at Naruto unblinkingly.

Sasuke coughed after about twenty-minutes and said lowly, "Kakashi-sensee, are you going to tell us our mission or what?"

"Oh yes," Kakashi said smiling, "Well, I've decided to give you something difficult, something impossibly terrifying, I want you to…"

Sasuke clenched his fists, Sakura gulped, A bead of sweat rolled down Naruto's cheek.

"I want you to sing…"

Team 7 was silent.

Naruto blinked, "Sing?"

Sakura echoed in a squeaky voice, "Sing?"

Sasuke merely tried to pierce Kakashi with his stare while mentally screaming, _SING?!_

Kakashi held up a finger, "Of course, it can't be any type of singing, it has to be…ADVANCED SINGING…"

Naruto crossed his arms an eyebrow twitching and repeated scowling, "Advanced singing? What the hell is that?"

The silver-haired ninja chuckled and said mysteriously, "Well…you'll see…NOW SING…" He whipped out a notebook and a pencil and watched them. They stared back at him unbelievably, "NOW?" They all shouted, yes…even Sasuke.

"When else? When Orochimaru finally stops wearing eyeliner? Naw, you don't have to sing…or maybe…OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO FOOLS! NOW!" He bellowed the last part, which made them all jump ten feet.

Naruto jumped up, "I'VE GOT MY SONG! I'VE GOT MY SONG!"

Sakura looked at him incredulously, "You've already chosen one?"

Naruto nodded and smiled, "It's gonna be better than anything Sasuke does for sure!"

Sasuke merely shrugged and looked away much more interested in the landscape around him. Naruto fumed, _No good dick-head…_

"Well Naruto?" Kakashi asked pointing at the stage that somehow magically appeared out of no where.

In fact, many villagers began to gather around mildly interested in the events and sat in the chairs that appeared out of no where as well. Even the Hokage had come; accompanied by two-cloaked Anbu that actually killed a farmer that just wanted to say hi to the Hokage.

The Hokage merely sidestepped the body and sat at a rather ridiculous throne complete with two gold peacocks that glittered in the afternoon sun. The Anbu placed themselves at each side of the chair and looked around fervently talking into something that looked suspiciously like a small microphone.

"OH YEAH! THE GREEN BEAST OF KONOHA HAS ARRIVED!" A boisterous voice shouted causing everyone to turn and look. Gai bounded to the Hokage's chair his face full of glee. The two Anbu tensed and shouted into their microphones, "WE HAVE A CODE GREEN! I REPEAT A CODE GREEN!" Countless Anbu appeared and tackled Gai shouting, "TAKE HIM DOWN! TAKE HIM DOWN! GO! GO! GO!"

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Meanwhile, innocent Iruka was cooking, one of his favorite pastime. He whistled and breathed in deeply the crisp scents of the spices he was preparing to add to the stew. He sighed contently and began cutting up a green vegetable.

"Ah, this is the life, no Naruto or any other crazy people…"

There was a faint shouting and Iruka turned curiously to his door. _Hm?_ The shouting grew louder and he blinked as he heard shuffles behind his door. Then a sudden shout made him jump out of his tiny little blue ninja shoes.

"OPENING DOOR! READY? READY!!! GO! GO! GO!"

The door was ripped off its hinges and was thrown outside. Five or six Anbu hurried through Iruka's house and jumped out the window of his bathroom.

"GO! GO!"

"HE SAID CODE GREEN?"

"HOLY SHIT! CODE GREEN!"

"WE HAVEN'T HAD ONE IN A WHILE!"

"I BETTER SAY BYE TO MY FAMILY!"

"DOSE ANYONE ELSE THINK ITS ODD THAT WE'RE SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER WHEN WE'RE ONLY INCHES APART?"

"KILL THE TRAITOR! SLIT HIS THROAT! SPILL HIS BLOOD!"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"DON'T YOU READ?"

The leader stopped by Iruka, took a spoon and tasted the boiling mixture in the pot on the stove. He nodded at Iruka and sped off after his comrades. The shouting died away and the only sound left was the bubbling of the pot and the birds' soft tweeting outside.

Iruka stood blinking, one hair standing out of place. _What the hell was that all about_?

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Back at the random place where the stage was…

Soon the Famous green beast, covered by a pile of masked idiots, was unable to move an inch. The Hokage yawned and rested his elbow against the puffy armrest of his throne, holding his head on his hand and shouted, "ANKO!"

The black haired kunoichi landed with barely a sound next to his majestic peacock throne, her trench coat trailing after her. She rose, bowed slightly and smiled saluting, "Anko at your service sir! I do house calls and never hesitate to kill small children! What can I do for you?"

The Hokage stared at her before barking, "Well first off you can shut up! Second fan me, I'm sweating already in this dreadful heat…" He settled back into his chair and placed the back of his hand against his brow.

Anko stared at him and blinked, "Sir, fan you? I'm a ninja! Ninja don't _fan_ people!" The Hokage glared at her, "Ninja who don't want to lose their job fan people Anko." Anko started apparently trying to find a comeback, bit her tongue and reluctantly grabbed a large purple fan that was conveniently located nearby.

"Ah, that's better. FAN HARDER YOU NAUGHTY NINJA!" Everyone chose to ignore this, including Anko and went back to whatever they were doing.

III.

"You will be graded on the pitch and overall sound of your singing. SING OR DIE!" Ebiki shouted at Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto. All three regarded him with a raised brow.

"First off, I'd like to start off things, with a test. Points are taken off for cheating, there are ninja watching your every movement…WHAT SASUKE?" Sasuke took a moment to wipe the saliva off his face.

"Ebiki-san…" He said slowly taking his time, "What does this have to do with singing? This isn't the Chûnin Exam…Sir." He added the last part with deadly politeness.

"WHAT? YOU DARE SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERIORS IN SUCH…SUCH…" Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura stared at him waiting, "MEANIES!" Ebiki finally shouted running off tears trailing behind him.

"Pussy…" Naruto remarked, Sasuke and Sakura silently agreed.

Kakashi suddenly appeared in a poof of dust and waited for their choking to subside.

"I believe, if I am not mistaken, that Naruto is up first, followed by Sakura then Sasuke." He eyed them as a hawk would eye its prey. Naruto gulped and stood nodding to Kakashi, "I'm ready."

"That's the spirit boy!" Kakashi exclaimed patting the shivering Genin on the back, "Now you go out there and show the world what kind of Talent Uzamaki Naruto has!" And with that he pushed poor Naruto out on stage. Sasuke looked mildly if not sorry for Naruto and made a small, "Meh!" Before balancing a pencil perfectly on his nose one arm draped over the side on his chair that was tipped ever so slightly. Sakura turned to Sasuke worry etched on her face, "You think he's gonna be okay?"

"Nope." Sasuke said still balancing the pencil.

The crowed watched as Naruto stood on the wide stage, the spotlight focused on him, shivering in his tiny blue ninja shoes. He looked out in the crowd and tried to gulp a large lump down in his throat. He took the microphone, which screeched a short loud note around the area.

"Testing, is this thing on?" He spoke into it, tapping it with his finger. The microphone screeched again and Naruto adjusted the collar of his jumpsuit and laughed nervously, "So, did you hear the one about the Jounin who slept with his friend's mother?" The crowd's impassive faces did answer him but merely watched him closely. He laughed nervously again and swallowed fanning his face, "Woo, is it hot in here? Wow, isn't this hot weather or what?" The crowd stayed ever silent, ever impassive.

"He's gonna choke!" Sakura said shaking her head, "Actually, I think he's choking right now." Sasuke shrugged and chewed on his pencil both arms draped over the back of his chair, his feet on the table. Sakura sighed and blushed at Sasuke, "So, um, what are you going to do Sasuke?" _You sexy beast you!_ She thought mentally.

"I dunno." Sasuke answered, the pencil lay forgotten on the table. He closed his eyes and crossed his arms, "I haven't given it much thought."

"Is your carpet the same color as your curtains??" Sakura gasped horrified and covered her mouth and squeaked her entire face red, "I mean, I didn't mean to…Um…" _Where did that come from?!_

Sasuke stared at her expressionlessly and said, "I'll get back to you on that." And began slowly scooting away from her as indiscriminately as he could.

IV.

Meanwhile Naruto had fainted…

Naruto looked around, "Huh? Where am I?"

A massive cage was spread out before him, the bars soared high into the darkness above.

"_Ah Naruto…"_ A loud rumbling voice shook Naruto's very being. It had a hint of cruelty and sneer.

"Who the hell are you? Wait, I know who you are…Your Oprah!"

"…_No"_

Naruto screwed up his face, "Wait wait, don't tell be…Bill Clinton!"

"_No…Think, furry."_ The rumbling voice said putting out one paw.

"Oh! You're an animal?" Naruto said scratching his head.

"…_That should be obvious yes…" _

"I know…YOUR BIGFOOT! Can I take a picture with you?"

A massive snarling fox muzzle appeared through the darkness, glowing red-eyes full of fury, _"I'M_ _GODDAMMNED KYUBBI MOTHERFUCKER!"_ The beast snarled clawing at Naruto with sharp claws, _"NOW COME HERE SO I CAN EAT YOU!"_

"Are you crazy!" Naruto bellowed back narrowly dodging Kyubbi's sharp claws, "And you don't have to curse!"

The massive fox stopped snarling and pulled back his paws_, "You're right, I don't know what got into me…Friends?"_ He held out a massive paw.

Naruto looked at the paw suspiciously, "How do I know I can trust you?"

"_I'm a giant man-eating fox, of course you can trust me!"_ He stretched out the paw a little more razor sharp claws curling around it.

Naruto turned away and crossed his arms and quipped, "I'm not that stupid Kyubbi!"

Kyuubi hung his massive fox head and growled, _"Very well…I wasn't expecting that."_

Naruto suddenly had an idea, "Hey Kyuubi." He said turning around to face the nine-tails. Kyubbi lifted his head and glared at Naruto, _"What?" _He rumbled.

"Can you lend me some chakra? Just a little?"

"_NO! FOOL! YOU THINK I'D LEND MY AWESOME POWER TO YOU? PUNYIEST OF HUMANS?" _Kyubbi roared banging his head against the top of the cage, _"Ow…"_

Naruto huffed and sat, "You stupid fox meanie! I don't like you anymore! And you're stupid! I hate you!" He crossed his arms and turned away.

Kyubbi rolled his massive eyes, _"Whatever, just go now."_ It was silent, then…

"…There's a calm surrender, to the rush of day…"

Kyubbi turned to a badly singing Naruto, fury etched on his ancient fox features, _"Oh god…Anything but_ _that!"_

"When the heat of the rolling world can be turned away!"

Kyubbi sunk to the floor of his cage and covered his long ears with his paws, _"No…"_

"An enchanted moment and it sees me through. It's enough for this restless warrior, just to be with you…" Naruto stood arms outstretched to Kyuubi.

Kyubbi clasped his paws even tighter to his head, _"OH PLEASE NO…"_

"AND CAN YOU FEEL, THE LOVE TONIGHT? IT IS HERE WE ARE!"

Kyuubi howled, _"My ears!!"_

"It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer that we got this far!"

Kyubbi rolled around in the cage, _"I'm not listening, I'm not listening!"_

"AND CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT! HOW IT'S LAID TO REST? IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE KINGS AND VAGABONDS BELIEVE THE VERY BEST!" Naruto screeched the last part very badly and grinned at Kyubbi, "Now the Second part!"

Kyubbi gasped, _"No…"_

"There's a time for everyone, if they only learn…that the twisting kaleidoscope moves—"

"_ARGH!"_ Kyubbi roared smashing his head on the top of the cage again.

"_HERE'S THE CHAKRA! TAKE AS MUCH AS YOU WANT! TAKE ALL MY POWER! I DON'T CARE.JUST.GET.THE.HELL.OUT.OF.HERE!!! _

Naruto watched the red chakra swirled around him, "Hey, thank you!"

V.

Anbu were blown away by the powerful chakra. Anko opened an umbrella and deflected the flying bodies that threatened the Hokage, she spun it around expertly, blew the top of it and stuck it back in the ground, took up the purple fan, and began once again fanning the Hokage.

The crowd watched as Naruto grinned the red chakra swirling around him, "ARE YOU READY KONOHA?" He shouted into the microphone, a guitar made of chakra appearing in his hand. The crowd cheered and rabid-Naruto-fangirls appeared out of no where pushing the villagers out of the way screaming, "WE LOVE YOU NARUTO! OH MY GOD NAURTO WE WANT YOU!"

Sakura gaped, her head poked out through the stage curtains.

"I can't believe it! Such powerful chakra…WHERE DID IT COME FROM!" She shrieked, withdrawing back behind the stage. She waved her arms frantically at a dozing Sasuke. "WHERE DID IT COME FROM??!"

Sasuke merely opened one eye, closed it and muttered, "Who knows? Who cares?"

Sakura persisted, "Well, he's going to win this singing contest for sure if we don't have stupendous acts!" She took a breath and continued, "Who knows what Master Kakashi has planned for us if we don't do well!" She paced and waved her arms and said, "The consequences could be absolutely horrific! He could send us back to the academy! Oh my god! My mother would kill me!" Sakura began to cower, her lip trembling, "Or an equally horrendous act would be for him to never bring us up to Chûin level ever! And we could be stuck as Genin for the rest of our lives! OH DEAR GOD!" She stopped dead, her eyes wide, body shaking, "IMAGAINE! WE'RE 50 YEARS OLD AND STILL GENIN! That would be humiliating, disturbing, terrifying it, it…!" She screeched and fell over curling up into a ball on the ground.

Sasuke opened both eyes and stared at the shivering form on the ground with a bored look on his face.

Meanwhile…Naruto had accidentally fallen off the stage in a mosh pit and was later sent to the infirmary for what the Medical Nins called, excessive rabid fan girl trauma.

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"Love, love me do…"

The Beatles


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